
The older I get, the more I notice how many people are quick to offer help but rarely deliver when it counts.
Hence the title of this article: caveat emptor. This Latin phrase, meaning “let the buyer beware,” originates from an old legal principle. It reminds us that the buyer must evaluate a product or service before purchasing and accept the risk of defects or failures.
This principle applies not only to transactions but also to people who offer help. Far too often, I’ve relied on someone’s promise only to be disappointed when they fail to follow through—or worse, when they later attach unexpected conditions to their help.
Trust, but Verify
This boils down to the distinction between promises and commitments. A promise is just words—something someone says they’ll do. A commitment, on the other hand, comes with a binding mechanism, a way to ensure the other party keeps their word.
The trouble with promises is that, without a strong personal code of honor, they’re fragile. People forget, change their minds, or leave promises vague enough to wriggle out of later. For example, “I’ll be there when you need me” is far less reliable than, “If you need groceries this month because you broke your leg, I’ll do it on Wednesdays.” The latter is specific, actionable, and harder to back out of.
But even with specifics, life happens. And when it does, promises are often the first thing to be abandoned. Like shareholders in a bankrupt company, we’re left with nothing when someone decides their priorities lie elsewhere.
Let’s not even get started on the hollow promises people make to avoid confrontation, like saying, “Sure, honey, we'll about it later,” when they have no intention of doing so.
Let the Buyer Beware
Here’s my advice:
1. Get Specific
Be specific about the details of any promise. First and foremost, don’t rely on implicit promises. This might seem obvious, but for many, it’s not. The theme song of Friends might set lofty expectations with its iconic line, “I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour,” but the reality is far less glamorous. Implicit promises—those unspoken assumptions we make in relationships—often turn out to be illusions we want to believe. When things go wrong, and the pressure is on, that’s when people’s true colors are revealed.
That is not to say people are intrinsically untrustworthy. Yet relying on socially implied assurances is the best way to get hit in the face with painful reality checks. And to some degree, it is unfair on others, who actually never made any promise and are now being asked to meet expectations you unilaterally set for them.
Next, don’t settle for vague assurances like, “I’ll help with your business.” Instead, aim for something concrete, like, “I’ll introduce your first startup idea to investors X, Y, and Z.” It may feel like narrowing your options, but it’s better to secure a small, actionable promise than to hope for an undefined, all-encompassing one.
If the person can’t or won’t get specific, treat their promise as empty. Adjust your expectations and assume they won’t follow through. If they surprise you, great. But expect nothing.
Vague promises often mean the person isn’t genuinely committed. They’re being polite or “nice,” but you’re left in the unenviable position of a shareholder —hoping they’ll help someday, somehow, when the stars align, and if their is any cash left after liquidating all their assets to fulfill their obligations to other people.
2. Turn Promises into Commitments
Attach a binding mechanism to the promise. It doesn’t have to be a contract—it could be as simple as having the person make the promise in front of someone whose opinion they value. Breaking a promise is one thing; losing face in front of your kid, mom, boss, or coworkers is another.
Binding mechanisms can be cultural or situational. In some places, a promise made in front of a respected member of the community is a binding mechanism, because respect of the elder is important. In other contexts, it might be an informal agreement signed as a quirky gesture. You can make it a fake contract that both of you sign (insist that it's not a real contract). They'll think it's overkill and weird. Use that to your advantage. Even if they see you coming from a mile away. When push comes to shove, you’ll have a written record of the agreement -specifics, and signature. If they try to back out, you can ask, “Are you really the kind of person who doesn’t keep their word?” Most people will find a way to deliver.
It’s About Your Mental Health
Ensuring people keep their word isn’t just about protecting your projects—it’s about protecting your mental health.
When people break promises often enough, your capacity for trust erodes. Trust is a cornerstone of human connection, and living without it is deeply isolating. Losing faith in others can make the world feel bleak, and rebuilding that trust is incredibly difficult.
Take it from me: I’ve been let down enough to become wary of everyone. It’s exhausting and painful. Learning to distinguish between promises and commitments, and setting clear expectations, is crucial for preserving your mental health —and if I may be so bold, your faith in humanity.
So, caveat emptor. Be cautious, specific, and proactive when dealing with promises. It might just save you more than your plans —someday, it might make save your camel from the proverbial straw that breaks its back.
Take it from someone who has experienced depression and who had to learn these things the worst way possible.
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